The Emotionally-Unavailable Epidemic

Have you ever been on a first date and felt that immediate spark? The one where your ankles are crossed under the table, you’re clinging your hands together for dear life and as hard as you may try, you can’t seem to stop smiling? You pretend to read the menu over and over again, seemingly indecisive on what you want to order when you know good and well that you’re getting a glass of Sancerre and the gluten-free pesto pasta. You finally gain the courage to look up from the hors d’oeuvres only to find your date staring lovingly into your eyes with that puppy dog, eyes glazed over kind of look. “We’re in love”, your mind whispers to you optimistically. “We have that tingly feeling we haven’t had in so long. I knew it would happen at some point, but I didn’t think it would be tonight.”

Three months later, you find yourself laying in bed contemplating where it all went wrong. You spiral over and over thinking about the beginning and how it seemed so great. “But they checked off so many boxes?” You say to yourself as you reminisce on the two-hour phone calls, that time you stayed up all night because you couldn’t stop kissing and the way they always held you tight to their chest while you slept.

Welcome to the emotionally-unavailable epidemic.

You read the message over and over and over trying to find some sort of sense in it. “You are everything I could ever want, but you deserve so much more than what I can give right now.” Or the famous, “It’s been so fun getting to know you, but I’m not looking for anything serious.” Or my personal favorite, “I want someone to orbit my planet, not someone who wants me to orbit theirs.” (This one was spoken on the phone which left me absolutely speechless, but looking back it’s absolutely iconic.)

I am outing myself here a bit, but those aren’t just messages I have personally received. They are screenshots I’ve gotten from so many friends that I lost count, which is what led me to writing this here today.

The infamous plain old ghosting also deserves honorable mention. In my opinion, if you’re turning into Casper above age 25, you deserve to be grounded. Not in the fun spiritual way either where you get to lay in the grass and immerse your toes in the sand to reconnect with the earth. I’m talking the big trouble, sent to your room, no snacks, lights out, stuck home for a month type of grounded.

As a hopeful romantic who romanticizes even the smallest of tasks in her day-to-day life, trying to understand that a human with a heart wouldn’t want to experience the depths of love has been one of my most challenging tasks on this planet thus far.

If there’s one thing I love more than anything in the world, it’s love.

I cry when I see old people holding hands, I’ve spent way too many hours in the romance novel section of Barnes & Noble and I’ve seen almost every rom-com known to mankind. I write poetry, have special stationary dedicated to love letters and my favorite thing in the world is hearing romantic origin stories, detail by detail, from the very moment they began.

In a time full of endless distraction, 24/7 internet access, unlimited swipes and reality shows that romanticize many very unhealthy relationship dynamics, vulnerability seems to be at an all-time low and masking seems to be at an all-time high.

Due to this, among other aspects of living in modern day 21st century times, we seem to have an emotionally-unavailable epidemic on our hands.

Do you know what’s brave? Loving without bounds even if you know it could lead to disappointment. Do you know what’s powerful? Choosing to FEEL in a world that’s been highly desensitized due to the media and the rapid pace of modern day to day life.

I was at my friend Aimee’s house the other day and we were trying to pick a movie to watch for a solid 45 minutes and finally landed on a rom-com (as us girlies typically do) per my Mom’s recommendation. We put on “My Oxford Year” starring the stunning Sofia Carson and some sexy British guy whose name I do not know, but whose face I could never forget. Don’t worry, I won’t spoil the film for you, but I will drop a picture so you, too, can enjoy the beauty of his face.

You’re welcome.

The only thing I dislike more than emotionally unavailable men who pretend to be emotionally available are people who ruin shows/movies/books. WHY WOULD YOU EVER TELL ME HOW IT ENDED BEFORE I EVEN GOT TO BEGIN? I’ll never understand. There’s a special place on the naughty list for movie spoilers.

Anyways, I do have a point here. Without telling you much about the film, let’s just say it was less of a giggle fest and more of a tearjerker, but it did point to one very important concept that resonated deeply with me.

It’s not always about the length of time spent together, but rather the quality and impact of the connection.

Some of my shortest relationships have been the ones that turned my entire world both upside down and right side up. They’ve been the ones that have lit me up brighter than the sun. They’ve also been the ones that ripped my heart to shreds, only to realize soon after I have the tools in my kit to piece it back together. They’ve led to some of my most beautiful poetry, my most vulnerable writing and many of my most prolific ideas. They have also led me to become the strongest, hottest, most aligned, most powerful version of me yet.

EU’s ARE GOOD FOR SOMETHING.

I often take this workout class called Solidcore that is probably one of the hardest and most effective workouts you’ll ever do. There is usually a quote printed on the floor in the middle of each machine to help keep you motivated when you most want to give up in the middle of class.

My quote this morning said, “breaking down to come back stronger.”

I have broken down time and time again only to come back stronger each and everytime. If you are working on mending a broken heart right now or in the thick of deep pain, I want you to know that this feeling will not last forever. From this, you are about to bloom into the brightest, most powerful and most aligned version of you.

Although seemingly global and quite contagious in nature, I do believe the emotionally-unavailable epidemic has a solution.

There are many unhealed men and women that are immensely afraid to dive deep into their feelings and figure out what’s truly going on beneath the surface. Much of it stems from unaddressed trauma and a great deal of it is also rooted in a deep fear of getting hurt.

When speaking of attachment styles you often hear the words “anxious” or “avoidant”. The thing is, neither is great, but learning to understand your tendencies does help to attract a partner that can meet you where you’re at now, rather than where you once were.

You may not be able to spot an EU (emotionally-unavailable) from a mile away, but the more we get to know ourselves, the closer we get to attracting the EA’s (emotionally-available) we deserve.

I spent years as an EU myself, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. I had deep unaddressed trauma that I finally got the courage to dig up with the help of some good ol’ faith, some licensed professionals and some very loyal friends. Now I stand here at 31 years old feeling, loving, facing and living my life as fully as I possibly can.

I’ll dive deeper into this in a future post, but if you are an EU, you’re navigating an EU, or you got your heart broken by an EU, please know that you deserve a healed EA who can love you in all the ways the EU wish they could.

DON’T LOSE FAITH. Your king/queen is out there. They just might be a former EU getting ready for true EA love. I can’t wait to hear your love story, it may be much closer than you think.

Signing off with extra light & love,

Alexa 💡

Ps: Subscribing is a very emotionally-available action so I’d LOVE if you came and joined the fam. I’m new here & every new friend makes a massive difference. ❤️