F*CK IT, I’M FREE.

I spent a good portion of my life trying to please everyone and ensure they were happy. Often, this was at the expense of my own peace and joy. Feeling needed was something that filled me up, made me feel whole, gave me purpose. If we’re being honest, it often still does, but I am not the same as I once was.

I’ve lived with my heart on my sleeve since I was a little girl. I’d like to say it’s been my magic, but it’s also been the most tangible representation of my deepest wounds.

When your heart gets broken as a baby, or perhaps even before you are born, it comes with a sort of ache that I’ve still, to this day, yet to figure out how to soothe. It’s the kind of pain that remains dull in the distance of your conscious mind. Most of the time it lays silent or quiet, but once in a while, generally at the least convenient times, it screams. It yells so loud you have no choice but to pick it up and give it the attention it is so clearly begging for.

FOR YEARS I WAS WRAPPED UP IN FEAR. NOW I SAY F*CK IT, I’M FREE.

FEAR, a four letter word that has the power to dictate your entire life. FEAR, a four letter word that has the power to keep you from your wildest dreams. FEAR, a four letter word that often stems from your deepest wounds and can often only be overcome by facing them head on.

FREE, a four letter word that has the power to dictate your entire life. FREE, a four letter word that has the power to propel you into your wildest dreams. FREE, a four letter word that often stems from the conscious healing of your deepest wounds and can often only be achieved from facing them head on.

I’d like to take a moment to introduce you to one of my favorite tools in my kit: THE REFRAME. Reframing has helped me to overcome some of my hardest battles and deepest aches. Taking the story of who you once were and what you once faced and having the utter awareness and willingness to see it from a different lens will change your life.

If we allow ourselves to stay lodged in the story of what broke us, who hurt us or what caused us the most trauma, we will never be truly free.

I still catch myself having moments of feeling crippled from battles I’m not quite ready to share on here, but have been navigating privately for years in therapy and with friends and loved ones. To the naked eye, you would’ve thought I was the lightest, brightest and happiest girl in the room at all times. The truth is, behind that smile was a girl who felt deeply sad and like she was wrapped up in chains for a good portion of her life. I never felt free. I never felt whole. I never understood why.

I have a theory that something happens to you when you turn 30. Astrologists call it your Saturn’s Return, religious folks call it your Jesus Year, I call it your becoming.

When I turned 30, everything changed. I know age is just a number, but at least in my own experience, this milestone was symbolic of so much more.

I spent my 20’s learning who I was, figuring out what I wanted and discovering the parts of me that needed to heal. I explored all different realms of love and romance and allowed my curiosity in career to take me places I never imagined I’d truly be able to go. I led with my heart and learned to patch it up each time it broke over and over (and over and over) again. I learned to choose me and put me first instead of letting everyone else skip the line. Our 20’s are meant for magic, messiness, memories that will last a lifetime.

The thing is, our 30’s are TOO.

I don’t know who wrote the narrative that you need to have it all figured out by 30. Maybe it was Siri, because whoever spread that rumor must’ve not existed as a human here on Earth.

News flash, AS MUCH AS IT SEEMS LIKE IT, NO ONE HAS IT ALL FIGURED OUT. We all face heartbreak, loss, rejection, failure, disappointment and confusion. We all have difficult choices to make that often feel like they hold the weight of the world. We all laugh, we all cry, we all love, we all grieve. Although many of us may come from different places, different backgrounds and different upbringings, we aren’t so different after all.

To this day, I may not always feel free. I still have days where fear still tries to crawl up and block my view, but in my heart of hearts, I know I am.

You’ll never regret the chances you took, the love you gave, the flights you took, the friends you made, the songs you sang, the fears you overcame.

If you feel like you’re wrapped up in chains, please know you’re not alone. I felt that way a large portion of my life and it took serious healing to remove each one, day by day. I want you to know that no matter how hard it is to face, how unlikely it seems, or how untrue this feels, you are free.

You are free to be free. You are free to be free. YOU ARE FREE TO BE FREE.

You do not need my permission, but maybe I simply exist as a reminder of what is already true. You deserve the fullest, happiest life and you are free to experience that right now.

F*CK IT, YOU’RE FREE.

I love you and I’m so proud of how far you’ve come and I can’t wait to see you keep spreading your wings.

Make the call, apply for the job, start the business, heal the wounds, write the book, tell them you love them, book the trip, face the fear, TAKE THE LEAP. Do not let fear take away your fulfillment and freedom. You deserve so much more.

With so much love and an aura of light,

Xx, Alexa 🦋

PS: You know what else is free? Clicking the button above and subscribing to my Substack! Your support means the world and encourages me to keep freeing my heart and sharing the depths of my soul. You can also support my matcha habit that fuels my words and I’d be so grateful for that too. :)